Thursday, September 11, 2014


My child

Before I knew you
I longed for you,
but I did not worry about you.

You were somewhere out there,
beyond the farthest reaches of heaven.

God knew where you were.
You were safe. You did not hurt. 

You were loved.

So I could go about my life,
without a gaping hole,
knowing that someday,
you would arrive,
and I would hold you in my arms.

Now, at this most heart wrenching time,
I need to remember this.
I need to be firm in my certainty,
that you are somewhere out there,
beyond the farthest reaches of heaven.

God knows where you are,
You are safe. You do not hurt. 

You are loved.

So I must go about my life,
Certain that this gaping hole,
will someday be filled again.

We will arrive in a common place,
and I will once again, hold you in my arms.
For that is the way of life and love.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

If at first you don't succeed

I decided to dig out my sewing machine today, I've been working all out as usual and decided I needed a little creative play time.  I'm still learning how to sew, but in my own way.  I look at pictures of items I'd like to make and then I do.  I don't use plans or patterns.  I don't measure, just eye ball it. I'm a firm believer in, "if there's thread on the bobbin and spool, use it until it runs out."  So often the thread I sew with doesn't match what I'm sewing.  It's not hard to change a bobbin or thread a needle, so I don't know why I resist. All this often leads to less than stellar results, and sometimes products that are nothing like what I planned to do.  Today was one of those days.

I planned to make a tote bag like I've done before, only this time I thought I'd put a flap on it so things wouldn't fall out if it tipped over.  Because I really wanted a full peacock front and center on the bag from the patterned fabric I had, I cut the sides bigger than I normally would.  I thought it would be fine, I was wrong.  The bag was so big that it was too big to be a purse or tote bag, so I turned it into a messenger bag.  I tried again and this time got the purse sized bag I was going for.

I put a Velcro closure on the outside flap, and a keychain loop.  Inside I have a zippered pocket on one side and a Velcro pocket on the other side.  

This is the messenger bag.  There's just a zippered pocket inside.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Facing Fear

Fear is an interesting creature. It's part of our human make-up, it's what allowed us to survive and not get eaten by strange noises from the jungle, well, um, fear combined with running like hell.

Some of us have very little fear in our lives. We get to a place where we're comfortable, a place of predictability, low-drama, and we ride along with the traffic of other people who want to get by and not have their feathers ruffled by other people, tough decisions, stress . . . fear.

Then there are the adrenalin junkies, fear is their drug of choice. They enjoy the rush of being in that brief window with fear, not knowing if they'll come out alive on the other side. I've never understood adrenalin junkies. I never wanted to press my luck. In general, I've preferred to be safe.

That said, even though I don't go out of my way to create fear in my life, and I don't avoid drama, confrontations, difficult decisions like some do, I don't usually bring fear into my world . . . at least not consciously that I'm aware of. 

Currently, I have some fear.  My baby is on the other side of the world.  He's in a strange land where he doesn't know the language or other people, other than his girlfriend.  As a mother, this brings me fear.  I can't simply get in the car and get to him if he gets in trouble.  I'm having to will myself not to dwell on what might happen, and instead focus on this wonderful opportunity he has for growth and experience.

Then, I also wonder about his fear.  He doesn't like to fly, yet he just willingly spent about 17 hours riding in planes to get to Taiwan.  He also knows he's working without his "mom" safety net, yet he chose to do this.  My son has never liked fear.  Fear has held him back in becoming proficient in learning a musical instrument, of trying to master sports, because he feared other people looking at him and judging him.  At least, from my mother perspective, this is my understanding of the choices he's made thus far.

So when he chose to make this trip, to put himself out there, risk so much, face so much fear, I was impressed.  I hope this experience is wonderful for him.  I hope he learns and grows and becomes the man I've always known he could be, if he just overcame some of his fear. 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Maternal Pangs

My son is leaving for Taiwan next week.  He won't be back until next June.  I know this is the normal course of events, children grow up, they move on, they go far away, but it still hit me hard.  When I realized I could no longer jump in the car and get to him should he be hurt or sick, I just started crying.  

Last night we had a goodbye dinner for him, and my daughter came home to see him off too.  I got this picture of us, and I worried if this might be the last time I see him.  You never know what life has in store, and I have led a charmed life these last 15 or so years.  I just took a deep breath and plunged forward.  This is the normal course of events.  You can't do anything about it, and what would you do anyway, put them in a box, not let them grow and experience the world?  You just let go because nothing you could do otherwise would make it any easier.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Young Folks Music

M and I were watching the Today Show this morning.  They were announcing Ariana Grande would be performing a concert for them today.  They showed the streets around the studio packed with screaming fans.

M said, "we're old, I don't even know who that is."  I had heard the girl's name before, but nothing else.  A few minutes later one of the hosts was talking about favorite songs for the summer.  They posted the names of three songs everyone was voting on:

Bang Bang

I had heard of the last two, and out of all the songs, I really like the last one.  I like the tune, the catchy lyrics.  I really love the video.  I like the pastels, the guy dancing, the neon lipstick on the wigged back-up singers, but then I realized I am old.  Of all the parts of the video I like, I always watch for the painted wooden furniture in the background.  I'm currently obsessed with painted wooden furniture, because I'm thinking about doing that for a future project.  When I was younger, I would have liked the tune for it's danceable beat or the fashions.  You're old when you like a music video for its furnishings.

Finding my way

I have (so far) successfully avoided "liking" or posting anything to Facebook for 48 hours.  It has been tempting, especially since my friends have been taunting me and trying to push my buttons to get me to respond.  There have been a number of things I have found funny or interesting that I wanted to share with my friends, but instead of posting to FB, I called, I e-mailed, I texted, I shared in person.  
know I enjoyed seeing and hearing people's responses to dumb jokes, more than just their comments of, "oh, that's so dumb, yet funny."  Yet, it is difficult not participating in a forum where all my friends hang out.  I also think about how unimportant all my dumb ramblings are, my positions on current events.  Me ranting on an electronic bulletin board isn't really changing the world or my life.  It's just one more yip in the crowded electronic playground.  It's also as Betty White so aptly said, "a major time suck."  

So what about blogging?  That takes more time and thought than FB.  Isn't that also a time suck?  I don't think it is in the same way.  I don't have the need to sit at my computer all day waiting for responses or new postings while blogging, like I do with FB.  FB is like an addiction.  You constantly need to satisfy it.  It is an ever present object in the back of your mind, its needs always waiting to be met.  It's like popping M&Ms all day.  They taste good initially, there's a little satisfaction in the flavor, but they are not a meal.  FB doesn't ever satisfy.  You really never have anything to show for your time.  So I hope not only do I manage to stay away for a week, but that I will break away permanently.

Now, as for blogging, maybe my ramblings here are equally as unimportant, but here, I have more control, can add more depth and detail, and it feels like a journal.  I love going back through my blog and remembering things I've thought and done over the years.  I don't do that with FB.  Everything on FB is disposable and doesn't matter after it's been posted.  

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Helllllooooo, anybody there?

I have been cleaning up my blog, the sidebar in particular.  I've hidden the blogs I used to frequent because their authors have not posted in 2, 3, 4 years.  I miss Tshsmom.  I miss her insight, empathy, her pictures and stories.  All good things must come to an end I suppose.  It just feels like losing a good friend, even though we had never met.

I looked at other Bloggers' sidebars and they too have links to people who haven't posted in years.  I hate to think blogging has seen its day.  I don't care if it's not popular so that tons of people no longer do it, but I do care that it's still done.  There is a need for longer posts, deeper thought and discussion than Twitter or Facebook can provide.  There is a need to share thoughts with others without commercials or algorithms directing things toward you or away from you.

I just want to be left alone to write and communicate because it seems like everything else, everyplace else, is moving too fast, at too superficial a level, and it's too impersonal.  I am moving too fast, just scanning pages, leaving too brief comments, if any at all, because I just don't have time.  Time!  Time!  Time!

When did we all get too busy and too preoccupied to make contact with one another?  I'm guiltier than most.  I'm always over scheduled, always taking on too much and never leaving myself enough quiet time or down time.  It reminds me of the old Alabama song:

I'm in a hurry to get things done.  Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun.  All I really gotta do is live and die.  But I'm in a hurry and don't know why.

I just looked through my Facebook page.  A good 90% is politics related.  When did I become so locked into politics?  I thought I walked away from it 3 years ago.  I know FB's algorithm has figured out what things push my buttons and get me to respond, politics.  I looked through my Blog, and I think this is a truer measure of who I am and what interests me, yes there are political posts, but there are also craft and remodeling posts, family posts, humor, and other things of interest.

I think if I remain glued to FB, I shall lose my fuller self.  I am going to take a vow not to Like or post to FB for one week.  Let's see if I make it through the next hour, and while I'm avoiding FB, I think I'll mess with my template.  Time for a little redecorating.