I am finding myself in a quiet place in my head right now. I am contemplating the death of a friend, not terribly close, but he was a gem of a man, so sweet, funny, a great husband and father. There was so much life in him, that his sudden departure is leaving a lot of us around him, breathless with the shock. I don't have to make sense of this, death doesn't have to make sense, it just is. I know why he died, medically it makes perfect sense as well. What doesn't make sense is why him, why now. Why didn't death stop for the drug dealer, the child molester, the murderer? Why take such a wonderful person and leave behind those causing so much damage? That's an age old question, without an answer, because as I said, death doesn't have to make sense, it just is, and it is inevitable. Before our friend died, I'd been thinking about death for a few days. My thoughts and his death were totally unrelated. I remember thinking at the time, "why am I dwelling on death?" Is something about to happen, am I sick? Then I decided it was just me slowly becoming acquainted with my own mortality. I am realizing that I am in the last half of the book of life and death is now not just some distant thing that will happen, it's now gaining on me. Oh I realize I am probably decades away from it, it's just now becoming a real presence in my life. I am no longer young, immortal, carefree and too busy to contemplate the big picture. So I am sitting in my head, thinking, wondering, watching the horizon, looking out for death.
4 comments:
v v said: I don't have to make sense of this, death doesn't have to make sense, it just is.
I think that's a very healthy attitude to have. The search for reasons behind it often lead nowhere because, as you say, things just happen - no bigger reason than that.
v v said: Then I decided it was just me slowly becoming acquainted with my own mortality.
I'm right there with you on that one. I haven't had anyone close to mt die for some time but I'm becoming more conscious of my own mortality with each passing month.
v v said: So I am sitting in my head, thinking, wondering, watching the horizon, looking out for death.
Again it's often healthy to think about such things from time to time but I do hope it's not preying on your mind and depressing you too much....
I deeply sympathize with your loss, my dear, and it is quite puzzling why some people are taken and others not. Especially when people are relatively young.....or not so relatively. It seems so terribly unfair....One wonders---if there is a God, what is he or she, thinking.
No answers, only questions...
I am certainly in 'the third act', and the losses don't get any easier even though they are more expected. We all know that Death is a part of life, but, when someone we care about dies, all the WHYS and WHY NOW?, come up. I send you healing hugs, my dear.
Thanks CK and Naomi. I'm fine. I'm not depressed, it's more like I'm examining this thing "death" like one would a bug under a microscope. It's a curious and puzzling thing.
Hugs, my dear.
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