Do you ever wonder about the greater scheme of things? I do often, mostly because I feel like I'm either missing something or I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something, I just don't know what it is. Every day I get up, have breakfast, do some work, have lunch, do some work, have dinner and maybe hang out with friends, watch t.v. or do things around the house. Throw in the trip here or there, the concerts, movies, or parties and life pretty much goes on in a relatively similar fashion. I'm not complaining. I feel very fortunate that my life is so good, it wasn't always. Which is what gets me thinking about the greater scheme of things.
I have to wonder, what is the point of this? What am I supposed to be gaining, learning, doing during this phase of my life? When life was bad, the various times that it was, I remember questioning God, the Universe, myself, "why?" "Why me?" "Am I being punished, is there something I'm supposed to learn from this?" So if in my darkest times I felt justified in questioning and in wondering, then so too shouldn't I do the same in the good times? Were my times of suffering meant to give me a background, compassion, knowledge for how to help others? Now that times are good, should I give back? I feel like I'm resting on my laurels and that I have no right to. There are people out there with less, in pain, lost, do I have what it takes to reach out and give back? Would it be too hard dealing with people in the midst of their pain, causing me pain in the memories? I know I don't have the disposition to counsel people, and I don't have the patience to deal with people sucked so far down in their misery that they either cannot or will not try to help themselves. Yet I can't help thinking I'm supposed to be doing something. It's like an idea niggling at the back of your memory, a word on the tip of your tongue. I can't quite see what it is I'm supposed to be doing, I just know there's something. I feel antsy, like I'm late for an appointment. I feel like what I'm supposed to do isn't the standard volunteer, donate type of thing. I'll figure it out eventually, just wondered if anyone else feels pulled toward "something."
UPDATE: So just when I think I'm coming to some resolution, "let it come to me, do something for myself, etc." the very first story I see on the CNN website is this headline: "Scotsman Magnus MacFarlane-Barrow was at his local pub when he decided to get off his barstool and help needy people. Today, he feeds more than 400,000 children globally every day through his nonprofit, Mary's Meals." You see the pressure I'm under? Was this the Universe's input on our little discussion today?