Thursday, July 8, 2010

After the kids go . . .

I have been waiting for the "empty nest" feelings to hit, but they haven't yet. Perhaps it's because I've been too busy with the jobs and with cleaning and re-doing multiple rooms in the house. I actually pulled out my keyboard shortly after Jr. moved out, with every intention of beginning to learn how to play it, and I even started doing my yoga again in the early mornings. All that has fallen by the wayside. There are too many other things to do, and it's been hot and I am tired. Am I a heartless mother because I don't miss my kids yet? Were the end days just stressful enough, that I'm smart enough to be relieved without the guilt? I keep thinking there are things I'm supposed to feel, longings brought back forward that were placed on the back burner while raising the kids, but life just keeps moving on at its normal hectic pace, kids or not.

I keep thinking that who ever I was going to be back in my 20s, when I put my life on hold to raise kids, that I should go back to that person and fulfill those dreams. But then I think back to who I was in my 20s and realize, I had no ambitions, no goals, other than the constant thought that I wanted to be a mother. So, I did become who I wanted to be back in my 20s and further, I went back to college and embarked on various careers as I developed into who I wanted to be in my 30s, that my 20 something self never conceived of. That still leaves me here today, the mom thing behind me. Am I who I want to be? I now have my time and resources back and can do with them as I choose. Do I still want to learn an instrument? Will I ever write the screenplays and books I know are in me, or is a busy life of work, politics, travel and friends enough, without something more?


Anonymous said...

K, please don't wallow in any kind of guilt. When a person decides to become a parent, it's a job, with its rewards, frustrations, joys, etc. Be glad for what you have turned out. Know that you did the best job you could given the tools you had to work with. My empty nest, part as you know was very upsetting, and not in the grand plan. That still leaves an empty spot, but a spot that can never be filled. One bird slid out of the house, and of course there is one who still has not spread her wings. Do think she needs to go. And have no guilt about those feelings. Think that people change enough thoughts desires, physically as we age change is a given. I never have felt any thing could have changed, should have been. Things happen for a reason, so go with the flow if there is something your interested in, try it. You'll know in a hurry if it's not for you. But guess just try it whatever it is. And then go on with it. There is no reason for any remorse, because you do not "feel a certain way" It's ok to step back and take care of your self. Yep listen to me hee ha. This of course is my theory, and do not yet practice what am preaching. You know what I missed most when Braden passed, was the noise, the hub bub, of daily living, my house went silent, it was almost unbearable. And remember life is constantly changing, and somewhere along the road they will be back because they still need you, remember to set whatever boundries you see fit, when they do return because they need YOU.
Never forget I Love YOU, also.

Vancouver Voyeur said...

Thanks P. I'm not feeling any remorse, or guilt. I'm not feeling anything, that's what confuses me. Life just keeps moving along and a part of me wants to look back at the point when the last child left, and say, "hey, wasn't that a milestone, shouldn't I be feeling something?" Yet,I feel like an observer looking back, say, "yep, one thing down, another on the horizon, just keep moving," with no real feelings attached. It's like it was a non-event. That confuses me.

Larena said...

relief in doing a great job against the odds comes and goes quickly especially when one is so busy. I finall got kids gone got to work for my future and then the accident happened. crap ! Zane and his beautiful blonde bitch still live in our camper and now Johnnie's youngest is back and seems as tho Nikki will be staying here till she gets some of her finances in order. so enjoy your empty nest it may not stay that way for long !!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

All interesting questions...And only you know the answers, of course.
As to missing your kids---maybe it's too soon. I mean, maybe the nest hasn't been empty that long, so it's like they are away for a little while....This is interesting, too. Your life sounds very full with many many projects and people and work, etc.
Maybe there is no time to be missing them.

Oops I did it again

Getting it short in anticipation of warm weather and more jogging, it grows fast and will be long again by next winter.