I have been waiting for the "empty nest" feelings to hit, but they haven't yet. Perhaps it's because I've been too busy with the jobs and with cleaning and re-doing multiple rooms in the house. I actually pulled out my keyboard shortly after Jr. moved out, with every intention of beginning to learn how to play it, and I even started doing my yoga again in the early mornings. All that has fallen by the wayside. There are too many other things to do, and it's been hot and I am tired. Am I a heartless mother because I don't miss my kids yet? Were the end days just stressful enough, that I'm smart enough to be relieved without the guilt? I keep thinking there are things I'm supposed to feel, longings brought back forward that were placed on the back burner while raising the kids, but life just keeps moving on at its normal hectic pace, kids or not.
I keep thinking that who ever I was going to be back in my 20s, when I put my life on hold to raise kids, that I should go back to that person and fulfill those dreams. But then I think back to who I was in my 20s and realize, I had no ambitions, no goals, other than the constant thought that I wanted to be a mother. So, I did become who I wanted to be back in my 20s and further, I went back to college and embarked on various careers as I developed into who I wanted to be in my 30s, that my 20 something self never conceived of. That still leaves me here today, the mom thing behind me. Am I who I want to be? I now have my time and resources back and can do with them as I choose. Do I still want to learn an instrument? Will I ever write the screenplays and books I know are in me, or is a busy life of work, politics, travel and friends enough, without something more?